"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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