Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
