I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
