just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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