I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
