No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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