dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
