I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
how can u be prego again
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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