our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize