I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
