Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
