since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
