So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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