Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
