but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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