I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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