Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
