All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
