I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
