Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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