just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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