How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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