I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
