He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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