when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
