Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
