My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
