I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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