You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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