sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
