"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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