you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
