It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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