I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
