you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
