I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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