You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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