just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
