I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
