it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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