Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
