i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
