I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
