i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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