My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
