You smell like a Billy Joel song
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize