I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
