he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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