sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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