I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
