Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
