so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
