so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
