I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
