her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
