Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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