Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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