Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So many bounce houses so little time
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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