literally had 100 drinks last night.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
