it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
