i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
