So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
