this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
