Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
