I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
