Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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