My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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