Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Small penises have feelings too.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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