at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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